Articles for Adults
Meaning and a Gottman Perspective
On a Saturday night in Minneapolis, Elena and Sam were the last to leave a dinner party. They had been good company all evening. He told the story about the canoe and the thunderstorm; she laughed in the right places, the way she always did. In the car, neither of them said anything until the exit for their street, and
Meaning and a Gottman Perspective
Photo: Austin Curtis / Unsplash A husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat.” His wife peers over her magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” The husband grunts, and that is the whole scene. It is on tape in the Love Lab, and Gottman’s own verdict
Have We Got It All Wrong?
At 9:40 on a Sunday night, in the basement of her Pittsburgh rowhouse, Nora held a fitted sheet in one hand and typed “weaponized incompetence” into her phone with the other. She had pulled the sheet warm from the dryer and folded it twice. It still would not lie flat. Upstairs, Ben had the television on low, and an hour
Is Trust Growing or Just Time Passing?
By the fifth month, Dana knew his work schedule, his sister’s name and which side of the bed he slept on. She did not know what she was to him. She knew that he answered her texts within the hour, and that he had once driven across town on a Sunday night when her car would not start. He had
When the Fight Never Ends| Gottman Institute
If you’ve had the same argument with your partner for what feels like a decade, you’ve probably asked yourself a painful question: if we loved each other enough, wouldn’t we have figured this out by now? Here’s what I tell couples in my office, and it changes everything: you were never supposed to figure it out. Dr. John Gottman’s research
3 Common Mistakes to Avoid
Ending a relationship with someone you once loved (or still love) is one of the hardest conversations you may ever have. Even if it’s the “right decision”, there will likely be pain and grief. Both of you are saying goodbye not only to a person, but to mutual friends, shared history, and a future you once imagined together. Although some
Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling| Gottman Institute
You’ve probably heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen before: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. But reading about them on paper or online is one thing. Recognizing them in the middle of an argument with your partner is a little more challenging. What the 4 Horsemen Sound Like in Everyday Conversation These monsters of miscommunication can be sneaky. Sometimes they sound like
The Inner Critic Is Not a Mindset Problem
When a client is being hard on themselves, the coaching instinct is often to challenge the thinking. Is that really true? What would you say to a friend? Try to be kinder to yourself. Sometimes that helps. Often, it misses what is actually happening. From a neuroscience perspective, the inner critic is not simply negative thinking. It is often a
10 Things Your Husband Really Doesn’t Like
When you point out his faults, criticize or correct him, you make him feel like an idiot in front of others—and that’s demeaning. Don’t embarrass him in any way (especially in front of your children). Would you want him to do that to you? A better solution: When he says something you know (or think you know) is wrong in