Ask Lisa: Relationship With a Busy Partner
A woman wonders how to establish emotional safety with a partner whom she loves but who 80 hours a week in a residency program.
The Question to Lisa
I am a 27 yr old professional in a new relationship (4 months) with a guy who just started a residency program which means he works about 80 hours a week, spends every 4th or 5th night at the hospital, usually cannot communicate during the day and is exhausted, delirious and stressed when not at work. We had a few months together before this all started and I felt like we were really well matched. We could talk for hours about ourselves, our lives, our ideas and that was when we really felt close. He said he fell in love after just a few weeks. I was more busy with work than he was at the time and I was amazed at how attentive and excited about the relationship he was…
Well, of course, all that had changed. He has such limited free time and such an inflexible schedule that our time together is either sleeping, eating or getting little things done. I have tried to be really understanding about this transition for him and make an effort to let him have space when he needs it, support when he needs it and just fall asleep next to me when he needs it. The thing that ends up being sacrificed is communication. I am facing some issues that seem to all come down to a lack of communication. I am feeling like I have to compromise a lot for this relationship which I don’t mind but when an issues comes up that makes me feel unappreciated and then I can’t even talk about it with him, I feel terrible.
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For example, we had planned to spend his one day off together but that morning he realized he had to do a bunch of things, needed to meet a friend and needed some time for himself because he was feeling overwhelmed so he suggested we just meet up later for dinner. That was my day off as well and instead of planning a fun trip with friends or going on a hike I had saved it for him. So when he so easily brushed me off because he had other priorities that day, I was really upset – on top of it he was needing down time, he was exhausted and overwork and did not want to talk that day about anything so not only was a feeling upset but I couldn’t even talk about it with him which made me more mad. It was days before we could actually talk about it and by that time I had already wondered if I wanted to stay in a relationship where I felt this bad. I felt disrespected, unimportant and distant from him – I know it was just a bad day but it felt like a bigger issue to me. I worry that we aren’t communicating well on these types of things.
I want to be more understanding of his circumstances but I also want to be in a healthy comfortable “emotionally safe” relationship. I thought that is what I was getting myself into because that is how things were before. This residency program is 3 yrs and the sacrifices that need to be made in order to make this work seem quite heavy considering we have only been together 4 months and don’t know what the future holds. He says he wants this relationship to work and that these are just speed bumps. He is committed to making it through rough patches. But he admitted the other day that although he is usually someone who think about his relationship a lot he doesn’t have the mental time or space to think about us during the day (ouch!).
I love him and think that we do have something really special when we have the time to enjoy each other. Am I being overly demanding in this relationship? Do I need to change my needs and expectation in order to make this work? Is that even possible? Are my feelings valid? Should I just keep hanging in there?
Lisa’s Response
I can understand both positions you presented. This is a really tough situation for any relationship!
You’re with someone who sounds like is being physically, emotionally and psychologically challenged every day. He’s in a vortex and is likely in survival mode as a result. It sounds like that prior to all of this ramping up you were both doing a good job of meeting each other’s needs and the communication was good. So – at least you know what he’s capable of. Unfortunately, when we get in survival mode, all of that can go out the window.
This doesn’t sound like a case of a man who’s not being respectful but someone who’s overwhelmed and has little bandwidth to tend to his relationship. You can choose what you want here – you can stick it out and try to be as understanding as you can be or that it’s simply not enough for you. Either one is perfectly reasonable and ultimately is about how much you care for him and see him in your future.
You gave the example of the one day off that didn’t go as you’d expected and were disappointed. I get that, especially after you hadn’t made other plans. It sounds to me like he realized that he wanted to make the absolute most of this one precious day which to him meant not only spending time with you but another friend and taking care of his own business. Perhaps the next time you can clarify with him prior to the day that he’s sure he doesn’t have other things he wants to attend to – because you’d like to make your other plans as well, if need be. Unfortunately, he didn’t do a great job of clearing up what had happened and validating your feelings which probably would have helped. Again – if he’s in survival mode, he’s probably not thinking with the most clarity.
If you decide to stick with it perhaps you can reframe this situation into an opportunity to connect more with your girlfriends, family, self-care or other personal endeavors? If you decide it’s not enough, give yourself a break. We are all uniquely different and self-validation is also important.
Look for his sincere attempts to do his best. Life can get challenging and for couples who weather the storms, they can be even stronger. But it requires you both to be on point and attentive to the needs of your relationship within them.
Pro Tip: In these circumstances, it’s really helpful to schedule regular check-ins with each other. Get a feel for how each of you are feeling in the relationship, work through any emotional dings that might have come up and ideas to troubleshoot. This will keep negative emotions from building up and also demonstrate your willingness to prioritize each other even in the most challenging of times.
(*Shared with permission.)
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What are the main challenges when one partner is very busy? The key challenges often include feeling neglected or not prioritized, a lack of quality time, potential resentment building, and difficulty maintaining emotional connection and intimacy due to time constraints and distractions.
What role does communication play in this type of relationship? Open and honest communication is crucial. It’s important to express your feelings and needs directly and kindly, and for your partner to genuinely listen and validate your concerns. Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to resentment.
How can both partners contribute to making the relationship work with a busy schedule? Both partners have a role. The partner who feels neglected needs to communicate their needs clearly and consistently. The busy partner needs to be mindful of their actions, prioritize the relationship, and make conscious efforts to show that their partner is valued, even with limited time.
When should professional help be considered for issues stemming from a busy partner? If feelings of discomfort persist despite open communication, if healthy boundaries are not being established or respected, or if one partner consistently doesn’t feel heard or prioritized, seeking couples counseling can provide a safe space to work through
